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  • Tamara Catharina

Pregnancy Notes 〇 Early ultrasound (7wk 1d)

We left the house early to be in time for the ultrasound. I didn’t know what to expect, what to see or not see and how I would feel. We entered the room and the midwife that made the ultrasound invited me to lie down on the bed. It was going to be an internal ultrasound as they can not see anything from outside yet at 7 weeks. There it was, a little being growing in my belly. A moving creature in the shape of a bean, only one centimetre long and… a beating heart. I saw it and yet, I didn’t actually believe that that was happening in my body. Despite the tiredness and nausea that I experience every day, a part of me is blocking and unwilling to believe. I realize that until this moment I didn’t actually believe it, despite the positive test. A protective layer, a memory of my pregnancy loss last year, a voice telling me “don’t celebrate yet”. I’m not sure yet what this ultrasound changes in my inner experience, my relationship to this pregnancy. I feel calm and open to what will come.

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