It is day forty of my cycle today. On day twenty-nine I was convinced I was going to start bleeding. I wasn’t thinking about being pregnant at all. We didn’t really “try” and I had no awareness of my ovulation day. On day twenty-nine I felt heavy, congested, easily overwhelmed. Symptoms of my period coming up, as I recognize them. But the symptoms left and the bleeding didn’t start. So today I did a pregnancy test. Quickly, spontaneously, a “left over” test in the closet. Randomly after lunch. I went to the toilet, peed in a glass and dipped the test in the golden liquid. Within one second the vertical line was dark blue. It didn’t come as a surprise, yet the confirmation of the test wasn’t actually landing. It was more of an intellectual knowing, rather than an embodied understanding. “I am pregnant”, I said to Vincent. He laughed. We made a picture together. But what it actually meant to me was unclear. I feel calm and also unclear about how it impacts me. I’m curious and open to experiencing what will come.
I would love this to be a space for engagement, exploration and connection. Please practice nonviolence in your comments. If you have a request (for example, because you would like support or collaboration), you can send me an email: message@tamaracatharina.com
