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  • Tamara Catharina

Pregnancy Notes 〇 Ultrasound (9wk 5d)

We’re sitting in the waiting room and I don’t know what to do with myself. I want to disappear. I don’t feel anything. I think I numbed myself. Not consciously. I’m guessing a protective mechanism inside of me is at work. I don’t even have fear or thoughts about the outcome. It’s like my brain froze. A very unpleasant experience, where life isn’t able to move through me. I look at the ultrasound, but I don’t believe it. That what I see on the screen is actually happening inside of me. That the heart I hear is actually beating there. Slowly I start to melt. And when I come out of the room I actually have a gentle smile on my face. Maybe this is actually happening. Maybe my body knows how to do this after all. Maybe we are actually having another child.

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