Sexual being

I am planning to write about my experience of sex through situations from my personal life. For that reason, I decided to first put on paper what it actually means to me. To connect on a deeper level with how sexuality lives in me at this moment.

In the field of nonviolent communication, I often see sexual expression written as one of the universal needs. I'm not sure if I resonate with that principle. I struggle with sex being seen as an expression. For me, it is more about sexual experience. Expression for me is something that goes out, while to me, sex is an inner experience. To me, I would like to use the term "sexual being". As I am, or part of me is, sexual. And I let that part of me be and move by itself, either as an expression or an internal movement.

To me, sex is life energy with a certain flavour. Just as love lives in me in different flavours. The love for my son has a different taste than the love I feel with my partner. Sexual energy, in my experience, also is a type of life energy with another set of flavours.

So here's how that lives in me: Sexual being is a part of my wholeness. When it's not there, I am not whole. It's not the only thing that makes me whole, but it is like a piece of the cake. Or one of the spices that create my flavour of humanness. When I am not connected with that sexual part of my being, I don't feel fully alive. As if a part of me that is not there, not present. A piece of me that doesn't live.

What I really want in my sexual being is when I am connected with that part of me, I stay connected to that part. Even when I am with someone else. I don't want it to become a story of something that has to happen, as a sexual deed, a sexual activity, to do something. But that I can let the energy, my sexual being, do its work. I want to stay with this energy and stay connected with its movement.

When I notice that I have a goal and want to go to a specific place, I am often already disconnected from this energy. I then want to remember to stay with that energy, let it move the way it wants to move and how it wants to express itself, or not. I want to move or let myself be moved in a way that resonates with that sexual energy. I like that this life energy is the thriving force. Not my thoughts of "have to" or "should", stories of what needs to happen in sexuality or in couples. I want the life energy that moves in me to lead me in my sexual being.

Even when it is something that I can experience together with someone else, I want to listen to what naturally wants to move me and move in me and through me. I don't want to focus only on "what I think or hear the other person wants" and move towards that. But I want to stay close to myself at the same time. I want to stay connected to the natural movement that my body or my being wants to make.

I want to explore moment by moment how I relate to my sexual being. Can I stay connected to myself when I am connecting to others? Can I notice the subtleties of the effect that this connection has on me? Can I genuinely stay connected to my needs in every moment, instead of thinking, "this is why we are here, so now it has to happen"? I want to be able to say, "I am here now, I can do it, ánd I notice this might not be what I need right now". I want to remember that even when there is a possibility to sexually engage, I want to stay connected to the needs living in me. It sounds so logical, but staying true to my feelings and needs doesn't always happen. I could do it today, yet I don't know if I can do it tomorrow. I enjoy noticing that during sex, I can stay connected to my body and my needs more and more.

The sexual being that I am can have many different flavours. When I went to bed yesterday, and I was lying next to Vincent, our hands were touching, and I had this image of really soft, silky wings, of dark feathers. The flavour of energy was delicious to me. For me, this is also a way of sexually being. At that moment, while feeling his hand, I stayed present with this energy. A very subtle sense of the presence of sexual energy became a deep-felt experience of sexual connection through the simple touch of our hands. A subtle sensation that I might not even notice during my daily activities was slowly moving through my whole body.

Sexual being is also a healing place for me. Healing can happen when my body is soft and open, enough to allow and accept everything to be there. I can stay in my vulnerability in that healing place, a soft and tender place where life can move freely. Sometimes this life energy moves me to tears, sometimes sounds, spontaneous movements of my body and in my body, laughter and many flavours of sensation. When I am there, it is as if my mind is resting, and life takes over to do exactly what it has to do. It's a place of emotional release, deep relaxation and pleasure.

Lastly, and I'm sure there is more, sex is where I communicate with my body in the purest way. Where every cell in my body comes alive and speaks to me. Where in daily life I might be able to put my emotions and challenges on a shelf, here, in sex, I can not hide. My deepest pain, my deepest desire, my true nature comes forward. My whole life is being reflected. It is where I meet myself, where I come home to myself, where I hold myself and care for myself. It is where my partner meets the pureness of my soul. Where I remember who I am.

I would love this to be a space for engagement, exploration and connection. Please practice nonviolence in your comments. If you have a request (for example, because you would like support or collaboration), you can send me an email: message@tamaracatharina.com