As a young girl, I remember feeling alienated from the world that I lived in. I didn't feel at home with my family or at school. I was afraid to speak up and to be punished. I didn't feel seen, heard, and understood. My body was filled with anger, fear and sadness. And the expression of that was not welcome. I created the belief that I was different and what I did, said and felt was wrong, that I wasn't good enough.

 

While growing up I became increasingly afraid to show my true self to the world and at fifteen years old I was feeling depressed every day. My body was in a constant panic state and there was a deep sadness in me. What was happening inside of me started to show on the physical level. I had several long infections, anaemia, a pale face. The only thing I wanted was to escape.

 

In the midst of the darkness of my depression, I sensed that life could be different than what I knew now. In the ocean of unpleasant thoughts and feelings, there was trust and hope and courage. I found energy and power in myself to change schools and when I was seventeen years old I found a room in the city and left my parent's house.

 

The weight that those two decisions lifted was huge and encouraged me to move forward. The fact that I myself created that new life showed me that I had the power in me to liberate myself. To live the life that was trying to move to me and through me. I slowly discovered myself and connected to the playful, adventurous, sexual, courageous, intelligent and creative me.

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I travelled, explored, had many different relationships and friendships and at twenty-four I met someone whom I thought I should spend the rest of my life with. We both had a steady income, bought a house and spoke about having children. In my mind, I was now supposed to be happy, but I wasn't. I was disconnected from myself, hiding behind unhealthy habits, gained weight, I burned out and landed in a depression.

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Just before turning thirty years old, while I was at the point that I felt lost in what to do, I received an offer for a job overseas. This one moment triggered the life energy in me again and just like I understood I had to leave my parents, I understood instantly I had to step into the air plane. Despite people around me that didn't understand my choice, I had to answer this call of life.

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When I came back I was feeling more connected to myself again. My relationship ended, the house was sold, I started to make different decisions in my career and to search for my life purpose. I wanted to make my life meaningful and contribute to other peoples lives. I started travelling and studying again, learned and integrated many spiritual practices, only took jobs when I was out of money ór when they were meaningful to me, received and deepened friendships, took really good care of myself and reclaimed my sexuality. 

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