• Tamara Catharina

NVC in Sexuality #1

In sexuality, I have the intention of staying connected to myself while being with the other. Using Nonviolent Communication supports me to listen to my feelings and needs and those of the other. To me, it is the ultimate practice of presence; to stay with what is already moving in me and in the other person and to follow that. I dream of a world where sexuality is a place of connection with self and each other, for healing, exploring and meeting ourselves in the purest way. I am intent to reflect on this regularly and share my reflections here with you. Below you can find my first reflection.



We are sitting on the floor together. Vincent shares with me how he longs to be touched when he looks at me and that he feels his body is turned on. I smile and notice a desire whirling up inside of me to touch him. I tell him that I enjoy hearing him share this longing with me. And that I would like to give him that touch. He kisses me. I feel his soft lips. My body softens and opens up. I start to touch him, and I notice his body relaxing and a sigh coming out of his mouth. It is as if my touch and his bodily response are dancing together. My touch becomes like a meditation. I feel energy moving through my body. It is as if the energy massages my body gently from the inside. I look at Vincent’s face. He kisses me. I have a pleasant light feeling in my head as if I’m high. I continue my touch. It is as if I am not “doing’ the touch, but I am “being” it. I don’t “think”; I “am”. I feel whole, light and fulfilled. I stop touching, sit back and enjoy the energy. Vincent tells me he feels great and is asking if it’s too much for me. I say to him that I am enjoying the sensations in my body and want to stay with that for a moment. I notice energy moving through my body and total satisfaction. Then I feel attracted to his body again, and I continue my touch. I experience flow and ease in touching him, and I have a sense I can stay there forever. As if it is an endless space. Then another moment comes where I lean back and feel. I look at Vincent. He says, “That’s really good. Would you like me to massage you?”. I tell him I feel really nourished, and I want to stay with this feeling for now.



Now I am looking at this situation through the lens of nonviolent communication:


We are sitting on the floor together. Vincent shares with me how he longs to be touched when he looks at me and that he feels his body is turned on.

Listening > I listen to Vincent. I understand that his body is turned on sexually and that he wants to receive touch. He makes a request to me to touch him.


I smile and notice a desire whirling up inside of me to touch him.

Self Connection > I notice my face smiling. I feel touched by his words in a way that connects me to my sensual parts. Also, I receive it as appreciation from him for being together with me and as being welcome exactly as I am. I feel the excitement, adventure and playfulness. And I notice a desire to connect physically with him through touching him with my hands and mouth.


I tell him that I enjoy hearing him share this longing with me. And that I would like to give him that touch.

Expression > I express my feelings and my “yes” to his request.


He kisses me.

Listening > From the look on his face and his kiss I understand that he enjoys and appreciates my “yes”.


I feel his soft lips. My body softens and opens up.

Self-connection > I feel the sensations in my body as a response to his kiss. I notice the opening.


I start to touch him, and I notice his body relaxing and a sigh coming out of his mouth.

Listening > From what I see through my eyes, feel through my hands and from what I hear, I listen, observe and notice his body relaxation.


It is as if my touch and his bodily response are dancing together. My touch becomes like a meditation. I feel energy moving through my body. It is as if the energy massages my body gently from the inside.

Self-connection > I notice the sensations in my body and I am aware of my experience in connection with Vincent.


I look at Vincent’s face. He kisses me.

Listening > From the look on his face and his kiss I understand he feels relaxed and connected.


I have a pleasant light feeling in my head as if I’m high. I continue my touch. It is as if I am not “doing’ the touch, but I am “being” it. I don’t “think”; I “am”. I feel whole, light and fulfilled. I stop touching, sit back and enjoy the energy.

Self-connection > I notice the sensations in my body and I am aware of my experience in connection with Vincent. I stay connected to what is happening and follow the desires and impulses of my own body. I want to pause, be present with everything and enjoy the connection between us and the sensations in my body.


Vincent tells me he feels great and is asking if it’s too much for me.

Listening > I listen to Vincent and hear his question.


I say to him that I am enjoying the sensations in my body and want to stay with that for a moment.

Expression > I share how I feel (enjoyment & sensations) and what my needs are (being present with what is in the moment).


I notice energy moving through my body and total satisfaction. Then I feel attracted to his body again, and I continue my touch. I experience flow and ease in touching him, and I have a sense I can stay there forever. As if it is an endless space. Then another moment comes where I lean back and feel.

Self-connection > I notice the sensations in my body. I feel satisfied, fulfilled, centred. I notice a desire to touch. I touch and notice the sensations in my body. There is relaxation, joy and pleasure. A sense of connection. A need for flow, ease, spaciousness, timelessness being met. And a need to stay connected to me in connection with him.


I look at Vincent. He says, “That’s really good. Would you like me to massage you?”.

Expression & listening > I look at Vincent. It is a way of expressing myself. My intention is to connect and to check what’s alive in him. I listen to his response. I understand from his words that he experiences pleasure and his need for touch is being met. He makes a request to me and asks if I would like him to massage me.


I tell him I feel really nourished, and I want to stay with this feeling for now.

Self-connection & expression > I check with myself. I feel nourished, fulfilled, relaxed and connected. Many pleasant feelings that are telling me my needs are being met in the place I am in now. I tell him I want to stay with this feeling for now.


If you are interested in my thoughts about sexuality in the context of Nonviolent Communication, please check out my video here: https://youtu.be/WqHt1XJszXo


I would love this to be a space for engagement, exploration and connection. Please practice nonviolence in your comments. If you have a request (for example, because you would like support or collaboration), you can send me an email: message@tamaracatharina.com